My fingers rested on the keyboard for a few minutes, I stared blankly for a while, not knowing how to begin. I tried to search song at Youtube to listen, then I found this song "Time Forgets" by Yiruma. So, I just keep playing the song over and over again. By listening to this song, I feel more calm and then I start the typing...
Last few days, I randomly logged in my blog, glanced through my old blog post one by one, until the very very first post I wrote at year 2010. I do agree that blogging is a very good way to retrieve memories. I feel sorry to myself that I don't blog that much as last time. Once a while, when I read others' blog or talk with some blogger friends, I really miss blogging. Somehow, I just don't actually take action. >.<
Some people they blog to freeze the memories, some blog for business purposes, some blog to get fame, and so on... For now, I only blog when I think there is something meaningful that I wish to remember. Or, when I am down, that is the moment where my blog come alive again.
The best word to describe my feeling now is 'lost'. My beloved boyfriend like to tease me with this, in his opinion, I am forever feeling 'lost'... Guess, I would further describe this feeling as insecure, fear of the uncertainty. Recently, that thought haunt me again. How often you ask yourself 'Is this the life you want?'. Question like this normally pop out in my mind when I feel helpless. Very often I hear that things are beyond our control, just follow the voice of our heart. The problem is, there are two voices inside me. I think everyone are like that as well. One of the voice will talk like an engineer, it know what is the best for you and what is less worthy to you. Another voice, which always win in the battle, it tell you about things like 'what if' & all the sentimental stories that make you ignore what the other voice said.
"If this is not the life you want, then what is that? What is the thing you value the most in your life?" Another question hit me. The two voices continue their debate. The more answers proposed, I feel even more lost. Because, I can't assure any of them are achievable. And what should I do if this is not the life I want and I am not brave enough to change it?
Most of the time, we treasure something too much and we actually turn to be the slave of whatever thing we chase for. Each of us has a few things that listed in the 'list of most important thing in life'. Fortune, fame, power, love, family... Don't you realize when you want something so much and you actually forcing yourself to do things that you don't like. You think you 'will' feel happy but do you actually feel happy now? Every 'now' is the future of yesterday and also the history of tomorrow. If most of the 'now' you are feeling unhappy, logically thinking...you spend your life miserably...
What should I do? ......
